054 – Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It

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Negotiation is something that we do on a daily basis whether we realize it or not. Most human interactions are negotiations on some level. Michael recently read  Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It by Chris Voss. Chris had an interesting story of how he became a high-stakes FBI negotiator after having a knee injury that prevented him from staying on the SWAT team.

Chris started out working a suicide prevention hotline and went on to negotiate hostage situations and more. In his book, Chris shares the tactics of negotiation that apply whether it is a hostage situation or trying to get a child to do something. We talk about some of these tactics including mirroring, labeling, slowing it down, and using the right voice. Michael recommends listening to the audio book and then reading the printed book for further study into these useful life lessons.

Topics Discussed Today
[02:07] Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It by Chris Voss.
[02:50] This book was recommended to Michael by Dr. James Rough. Chris Voss was an FBI negotiator and he shares real life examples and relates them to real life.
[03:26] The audio book is really great. Then Michael bought the hard copy and really started studying the strategy.
[04:12] One of the reviews Patrick read said that life is basically a negotiation. Even as a doctor, talking to a patient is a negotiation.
[06:02] An accusation audit. The defense will try to get everything out at the beginning so that the other attorney can’t get you.
[08:03] Chris Voss liked the excitement of the SWAT team, then he had a knee injury and thought he would try hostage negotiation.
[08:55] Voss volunteered at a suicide hotline founded by Norman Vincent Peale.
[09:37] How a poor mentee is someone who doesn’t take advice from their mentor.
[10:17] Patrick buried his ego and became a candy striper for the summer.
[11:40] Bank robbery negotiations are very rare. This was one of Chris Voss’s first negotiations.
[12:53] Compromise is a bad word when it comes to negotiation. Your goal is to get what you want while the other guy feels good about it.
[15:49] How 9/11 changed the rules when it comes to hijacking and hostage negotiations. Going along and cooperating is no longer an option.
[16:25] It’s impossible to negotiate with a suicidal wanna be martyr.
[17:13] How Oprah had the skill to disarm people and get them to talk openly.
[17:34] Psychics and palm readers would also be good negotiators, because they are so great at reading body language.
[18:47] Calm the schizophrenic. How we engage in selecting listening and have cognitive bias.
[20:27] Use active listening to totally focus on what the other person is saying.
[20:49] Slowing down the process also calms things down. Don’t talk over each other.
[22:55] Have the self-awareness to slow things down.
[25:11] Use your late night FM radio DJ voice. Be calm and reasonable.
[27:09] Kaci is a master at the positive playful voice.
[28:07] Use the command voice very rarely. In surgery everything you do is a demand. The command voice may not work for negotiating with a spouse or a teenager.
[30:04] Marrying or isopraxism, this immediately establishes rapport.
[31:36] Mirroring is conscious or unconscious where we are doing the same thing as the other person.
[32:19] Mimicry study where waiters got higher tips by repeating what the customer said.
[33:03] Mirroring is repeating the last three words or the critical 1 to 3 words that a person says.
[33:54] Start with I’m sorry, then mirror, and then give it 4 seconds of silence.
[37:47] Tactical Empathy. Empathy is the ability to recognize the other perspective of the counterpart, and the vocalization of that recognition
[37:57] Paying attention to another human being, asking what they are feeling, and making a commitment to understand their world.
[40:31] Labeling. When you understand the person’s feelings, where they are coming from, and respectfully and calmly repeat it back to them. Validating an emotion by labeling it.
[42:33] Don’t use “I”. Make it about the other person, not you.
[43:32] The four second rule. After using your label just stop and let it sit.
[45:04] Get the other person to say, “That’s right.” You get a “that’s right” when you summarize the situation from the other person’s point of view.
[46:09] Practice these skills when you are calm and then when you really need them, they will be second nature.
[48:29] How a lot of people negotiate thinking about their bottom line. There is a tried-and-true formula to get the absolute most out of the deal.
[50:06] Black swans are the unknown unknowns. Something that’s out there, but you don’t know about it.
[52:15] Get the other person to talk and sooner or later they will reveal their black swan.
[54:06] We should build up a Masters series with great guests like Chris Voss and Lindon Leader.
[55:37] Shout Outs: Good luck to Parker Bays competing in Nationals, Dr. John Symms my new resident  from the University of Arizona, Dr. James Rough- plastic surgeon.
[57:13] Thanks to Friends in Scottsdale (Jane, Sue), San Francisco, Oakland and Ireland.
[57:50] Action Steps: Do a 40 Day Tactical Empathy Challenge

• andTry Mirroring
• Try some labeling
• Try FM radio DJ voice
• Remember- slow it down

Links and Resources:
Uncle Michael @TheHollowTube on Twitter
Uncle Michael @TheHollowTube on Instagram
Michael Bays on Facebook
The Hollow Tube Facebook Page
Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It
John F. Kennedy School of Government
TWA Flight 800
Jill Carroll
The Power of Positive Thinking: 10 Traits for Maximum Results
Kaci Bays
Mimicry for money: Behavioral consequences of imitation
Circa 79 Salon
Episode 028 – How to Survive Anything Life Throws at You

Quotes:
“Everything in life is a negotiation. Anytime you are trying to convince someone to do something it is a negotiation.” Dr. Patrick Bays
“Whenever you want something ask the right person what to do, and then do what they tell you to do.” Dr. Michael Bays
“Anytime we ever want something it is a negotiation. It is one of our animalistic urges.” Dr. Patrick Bays

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